Instinct

I want to go "on record" that these days, since the beginning of February, have been both wonderful and terrible.

Wonderful to accept the invitation of a promotion and begin a job (Director of Children's Ministry at New Harvest Church) that I KNOW God has been preparing me to do for years...even though I didn't fully recognize it until now. It's been wonderful to feel His pleasure each day.

This makes me think of a quote from track and field hero Eric Liddell (made famous in Chariots of Fire) who said, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."

It's wonderful that God made me to do this work at New Harvest Church and when I do this work, I feel His pleasure! Wonderful that I've been given the extreme privilege of doing this work AND being with my children each day before and after school.

Terrible to be stricken with bronchitis and severe asthma during the same days. Terrible to be gasping for breath and coughing until I need to change my clothes (no additional details needed). Terrible to watch my family succumb to sinus infection one by one. Even sweet Charley has a sinus infection. Terrible to watch my handsome son lie in bed with 102 fever for 5 straight days, at the same time knowing that his grades need serious help. Terrible (for me) to see the house no longer in "tip top shape" as I've chosen to return to work full time.

Everything could feel hopeless. Except I know the source of real Hope.

I could be tempted to retreat. I could easily say, "I must've made the wrong decision. Clearly, if I would've made the right decision, everything would be easier." Instinctively, I want to run backwards to where I was when I was healthy, my family was healthy, the dog was healthy, the house was fully organized, color-coded and caught up. Instinctively, I am tempted by that mythical place in the past where everything was good and right and easier.

And then, as I do today, I hear Jesus say to me directly as He asked Peter in Mark 8:29 "But what about you?" Jesus asks. "Who do you say I am?"

And I realize in this moment that what I say by opening my mouth and using my vocal cords is NOTHING compared to what I say with my life.

When I run backwards, I may say with my mouth that Jesus is my Savior; but with my life, I say that Jesus is not strong enough to handle "terrible" sickness, chaos and disarray.

When I crave easy, I may say with my with my mouth that Jesus is my Lord; but with my life, I say that Jesus is someone I keep in a box--to call upon only when things get tough.

When I whine about uncertainty and disarray, I may say with my mouth that Jesus is my Provider; but with my life, I say that Jesus is not consistent and cannot be counted upon all the time to provide what's needed and direct us to what's important.

My greatest desire is that my life will reflect exactly who Jesus is. Favorite song lyrics float through my head: "I will stand up now, I will not step down, I will do my best to wear this crown but I need You as You guide me through today." (Artist Everyday Sunday) Another favorite phrase in the song brings conviction: "When will you wake up and see that it takes more than just you to get through this life?"

Let my life show that Jesus is my Savior (brought me out of a very deep pit and adopted me to be a princess belonging to Him). He is my Lord (he guides me through today and the evidence of his guidance in my life's yesterdays is everything fruitful) He is my provider (he keeps me humble and gives only what's needed, but never fails to provide ALL that's needed) and He is Love (the ONLY dependable model in my life of complete, unfailing, unconditional love).

You know, when I went looking for the Eric Liddell quote about feeling God's pleasure in your life, I found another one of his quotes that's a better finish to this blog than anything I could say.

"You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe your dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race."