Then, while driving in my car one morning, I prayed from Psalm 139:23&24: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
God loves to answer prayers, especially the ones he teaches us to pray in His Word. One of my favorite things about God, however, is that He rarely answers prayer in the ways that we think He might.
He answered my prayer, I believe, by allowing these hard circumstances, all at once for the Good He wants to do in me:
- What started as an exciting downsize move to a house we all love, has turned into delay after delay. Our belongings are all in boxes, taped and organizationally labeled, destined for the smaller house we believe God wants us to have. Every bookshelf is taken apart and empty. All the pictures are down off the walls and stacked in one room. Everything is empty and ugly. We've been given the go-ahead to move to the Broadbent House. Our offer was accepted and a close date of July 19 was chosen. Then, we learned the buyers of our house were having un-anticipated problems with their loan.
- In the interim, I was led to apply for a job I was told could take months to land. I really didn't want a new job until after we moved and got settled; but the job offer came before the keys to Broadbent, so I trusted God and became excited about this new job. Yesterday, I was told I would not be working that job after all.
- Our dear pet Guinea Pig is dying. I'm doing all I can to minister to her health according to the vet's instructions; but it appears she's finished. And all I can do is watch...helpless. It doesn't seem wise to spend money we don't have to put a 4.5 year old Guinea Pig in the pet hospital on IV fluids when their life span is 4-6 years. That's wisdom, sure; but I'm hurting!!
As we talked it through, however, we discovered that, regardless of the differing circumstances, the bottom line was and is EXACTLY the same: God WINS and wants to remain at the center of our lives. Or, taken from a line in a favorite song of mine, sometimes God places us in the midst of circumstances that will teach us important life lessons and, in the midst of circumstantial poverty: "all you really have here now is 'Me'". You can listen to this gut-wrenchingly wonderful song called "Welcome to Delaware" by Watermark by clicking on the link.
As these circumstances began to fall in layers, I spent a tiny bit of time thinking, "God, what did I do wrong?" "Is Broadbent the wrong house?" "Is this the wrong job?" This is where the story of Job is SO valuable. I need NOT spend time thinking these thoughts. They are fed by Enemy minions. I think God includes the story of Job in the Bible to demonstrate the types of things the Enemy wants to do to try to destroy our Joy. But, even more important, He shows us through Job that even when everyone around us will say, "You're being punished for something, JUST GIVE UP!" we have an opportunity to cling to God and love Him MOST and everlasting! And, regardless of our circumstances, when we cling to Him, we are His! And He loves (verb) us.
It was after debating Job that I realized what was REALLY happening: I had prayed to God to ask Him to show me "any offensive way" in me and HE WAS ANSWERING that prayer. And he was showing me, through the lessons on idolatry, the offense.
I am confessing today that:
- I love the home I've created for our family. I grew up in a dirty, smoke-filled home. My childhood home represented chaos and disorder. The home I maintain for our family represents peace and orderliness. I love it. And, until everything was chaotic, boxed up, taken apart and going NOWHERE and I was forced to live in the chaos, I didn't realize that I loved my home too much. It had somehow become an idol in my life: something of first importance to me. God desires to be first. And through this circumstance He is powerfully showing me an "offensive" way in me that I must confess and turn from.
- I love being seen as someone clever, hard-working, dependable, orderly, organized and imaginative. I have worked no fewer than 3 jobs at once ever since turning 15 1/2 when I got a job during lunch hour at a sandwich shop, worked at Wienershnitzel after school and babysat on weekends. People call me AR. Friends call me OCD. I love (verb) my family and co-workers by keeping things orderly so they can find what they need easily and spend more time doing what they enjoy. After the house went into sustained chaos, I threw myself into my new job: spending time studying whatever I could so that I had all the newest tools for organizing and providing solutions. First, God allowed a misunderstanding that resulted in FIVE days without the Internet. No more online research for me! Then, when I still didn't recognize the "offensive thing" God was showing me, I got an email yesterday afternoon informing me that my client had asked for someone else. No job. I have loved DO-ING and being recognized as excellent more than I have loved God. I must turn from this!
- I still think I have control over most things. I thought I had learned that I don't. Sitting next to my mother, dying of COPD, robbed of her memory, I learned I cannot control any important things. Watching our sweet "Lou-Girl" die, regardless of money I've spent at the vet, medicines I've administered right-on-time, food I've given according to the package directions...helps me see that I must also stop believing that I have any meaningful control over anything lasting. Clearly, God is using this circumstance to display another "offensive way in me". I don't want to be my 'god'. I don't want to be my family's 'god' or my friends' 'god'. I want God to be God. I want to point to Him on the Throne. I want His perfect Will over my life and the lives of my family and friends.
