Friday, August 2, 2013

Idols Discovered

Our Tuesday night community group is going through Kyle Idleman's Gods at War study.   As the study has gone through the list of common idols in our lives, I was judging myself immune.  I would ask myself, "Do I love that more than I love God?" and the answer would always be, "No, I'm good."  So I would listen to discussion, share stories about others I knew (without naming names) and spend a nice evening with people I treasure.

Then, while driving in my car one morning, I prayed from Psalm 139:23&24: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

God loves to answer prayers, especially the ones he teaches us to pray in His Word.  One of my favorite things about God, however, is that He rarely answers prayer in the ways that we think He might.

He answered my prayer, I believe, by allowing these hard circumstances, all at once for the Good He wants to do in me:
  • What started as an exciting downsize move to a house we all love, has turned into delay after delay. Our belongings are all in boxes, taped and organizationally labeled, destined for the smaller house we believe God wants us to have.  Every bookshelf is taken apart and empty.  All the pictures are down off the walls and stacked in one room.  Everything is empty and ugly.  We've been given the go-ahead to move to the Broadbent House.  Our offer was accepted and a close date of July 19 was chosen.  Then, we learned the buyers of our house were having un-anticipated problems with their loan. 
  • In the interim, I was led to apply for a job I was told could take months to land.  I really didn't want a new job until after we moved and got settled; but the job offer came before the keys to Broadbent, so I trusted God and became excited about this new job.  Yesterday, I was told I would not be working that job after all.  
  • Our dear pet Guinea Pig is dying.  I'm doing all I can to minister to her health according to the vet's instructions; but it appears she's finished.  And all I can do is watch...helpless.  It doesn't seem wise to spend money we don't have to put a 4.5 year old Guinea Pig in the pet hospital on IV fluids when their life span is 4-6 years.  That's wisdom, sure; but I'm hurting!!
 My sweet German daughter Vivi compared my life's circumstances right now to that of Job.  I pushed back!  I said, "No, this isn't like Job at all.  Job lost his family and his health.  I have my family and I have regained my health. And I have healthy fruit-bearing ministry to volunteer within.  I just don't have good circumstances.  It's just every circumstance connected to me that's pitiful." 

As we talked it through, however, we discovered that, regardless of the differing circumstances, the bottom line was and is EXACTLY the same: God WINS and wants to remain at the center of our lives.  Or, taken from a line in a favorite song of mine, sometimes God places us in the midst of circumstances that will teach us important life lessons and, in the midst of circumstantial poverty:  "all you really have here now is 'Me'".  You can listen to this gut-wrenchingly wonderful song called "Welcome to Delaware" by Watermark by clicking on the link.

As these circumstances began to fall in layers, I spent a tiny bit of time thinking, "God, what did I do wrong?"  "Is Broadbent the wrong house?" "Is this the wrong job?"  This is where the story of Job is SO valuable.  I need NOT spend time thinking these thoughts.  They are fed by Enemy minions.  I think God includes the story of Job in the Bible to demonstrate the types of things the Enemy wants to do to try to destroy our Joy.  But, even more important, He shows us through Job that even when everyone around us will say, "You're being punished for something, JUST GIVE UP!" we have an opportunity to cling to God and love Him MOST and everlasting!  And, regardless of our circumstances, when we cling to Him, we are His!  And He loves (verb) us. 

It was after debating Job that I realized what was REALLY happening:  I had prayed to God to ask Him to show me "any offensive way" in me and HE WAS ANSWERING that prayer.  And he was showing me, through the lessons on idolatry, the offense.

I am confessing today that:
  • I love the home I've created for our family.  I grew up in a dirty, smoke-filled home.  My childhood home represented chaos and disorder.  The home I maintain for our family represents peace and orderliness.  I love it.  And, until everything was chaotic, boxed up, taken apart and going NOWHERE and I was forced to live in the chaos, I didn't realize that I loved my home too much.  It had somehow become an idol in my life: something of first importance to me.  God desires to be first.  And through this circumstance He is powerfully showing me an "offensive" way in me that I must confess and turn from.
  • I love being seen as someone clever, hard-working, dependable, orderly, organized and imaginative.  I have worked no fewer than 3 jobs at once ever since turning 15 1/2 when I got a job during lunch hour at a sandwich shop, worked at Wienershnitzel after school and babysat on weekends.  People call me AR.  Friends call me OCD.  I love (verb) my family and co-workers by keeping things orderly so they can find what they need easily and spend more time doing what they enjoy.  After the house went into sustained chaos, I threw myself into my new job: spending time studying whatever I could so that I had all the newest tools for organizing and providing solutions.  First, God allowed a misunderstanding that resulted in FIVE days without the Internet.  No more online research for me!  Then, when I still didn't recognize the "offensive thing" God was showing me, I got an email yesterday afternoon informing me that my client had asked for someone else.  No job.  I have loved DO-ING and being recognized as excellent more than I have loved God.  I must turn from this!
  • I still think I have control over most things.  I thought I had learned that I don't.  Sitting next to my mother, dying of COPD, robbed of her memory, I learned I cannot control any important things.  Watching our sweet "Lou-Girl" die, regardless of money I've spent at the vet, medicines I've administered right-on-time, food I've given according to the package directions...helps me see that I must also stop believing that I have any meaningful control over anything lasting.  Clearly, God is using this circumstance to display another "offensive way in me".   I don't want to be my 'god'.  I don't want to be my family's 'god' or my friends' 'god'.  I want God to be God.  I want to point to Him on the Throne.  I want His perfect Will over my life and the lives of my family and friends. 
So, wow.  I honestly don't know what to do today.  I know I can still keep a nice house and work a good job and strive for excellence and encourage myself and others toward health and freedom.  Those things aren't bad.  My love of those things and my pride about those things is what's bad.  Putting those things on a pedestal has to go!   I also know that trying to DO this change in myself would be a tremendous mistake.  God will make this change in me at His pace according to His timing.   

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"Supposed to..."

I am realizing this morning that "supposed to" is the opposite of following Christ.

I didn't realize the powerful way that "supposed to" was infiltrating my thinking and attitude.  I'm going to be bold and say that "supposed to" is a nasty tool of the flesh existing to torment and disappoint.

And this morning, as I begin my quest to eradicate "supposed to",  I believe I'm going to LOVE my life of following Christ even more when I let "supposed to" go.

Here are some examples that left me completely empty yesterday afternoon and evening.

  • We were "supposed to" get the keys to our new house on Friday
  • We were "supposed to" have movers move our big furniture to make the move smooth and safe
  • I was "supposed to" meet my new client yesterday afternoon
  • I was "supposed to" get to sleep late during the summer
  • I am "supposed to" make a perfect healthy meal for my family every evening
We've been studying the sins that poison our daily lives in our adult small group.  Anger, Jealousy, (notice those are the first two I think of) Guilt and Greed.  I highly recommend "Enemies of the Heart" by Andy Stanley.  He describes the way these emotions can hurt us; but also describes the antidotes: Forgiveness, Celebration, Confession and Giving.  I enjoy books that offer practical help.

This morning, I think I'm discovering a personal link between "supposed to" and Anger and Jealousy.  

Yesterday, I went to our new house to meet our agent and greet our pest control guy as our agent let him in to do his work.  I stood in the house and instead of enjoying our soon-to-be new home, I found myself thinking and talking about how "frustrating" it all is.  We were "supposed to" be already moved in.  

Then, I went outside and discovered our new neighbor in the front yard of her new home.  She was asking some construction guys to move their cars because their moving van was on its way.  I smiled and went to meet her.  Her name is Angela and she seems really nice.  I felt a moment of gratitude to be blessed with nice neighbors; but the gratitude was quickly overshadowed when I became SO JEALOUS that she was getting to move in before us.  After all, we were "supposed to" move in on the 19th.  We're "supposed to" be baking cookies for her and welcoming her to the neighborhood.  But NO!!!  (can you feel the jealousy fueling the anger even as you read this?)  

Honestly, I had to cancel the rest of my day.  A bitter spirit consumed me.  I was mad (alternating with sad) at everything.  Sleep was my only retreat and escape.  I prayed as I fell asleep that God would sing over me as I slept and heal this hurt.  

He is SO faithful when we ask Him for the VERY THING He wants to give us.  

I awakened feeling refreshed.  I read a devotion that left me feeling convicted and resolute.  I shared a prayer with our small group that was helping me.  And I wrote this blog post.  He provided ALL the Wisdom I needed (James 1:5) for Freedom (Galatians 5:1) once again!  Praises!!