Where have I been?

I got lost for a bit.

Thankfully, God shows us a picture (in Matthew 18:12) of how He will leave the 99 in search of the 1 that's lost to bring that one back.

The minute I saw Him I ran back!!

I discovered something important this week: I already knew the feeling of God's pleasure when I serve Him using my gifts. I live for that. What I didn't know was that I am lost from the feeling of His pleasure when I rest.

Does He want me to rest? You bet!! He says so in His Word. He says, (in Matthew 11:28) "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. He doesn't say, "Come to me and I'll give you more to do because I'm happiest when you're hard at work." There's no record of that in His Word anywhere.

I returned from our vacation spewing (good word, huh?) platitudes (wow, I'm on a roll!) about how God was not evident on our cruise ship or at the various ports of call and I felt homesick for Him. This oozed ridiculous religiousity.

Gratefully, He didn't allow me to continue with this line of thinking. Next thing I knew, He was asking me to confront my thinking and compare it to Him.

In case this feeling is foreign to you, it feels like the worst kind of dread when I encounter it. I pray that He will keep me close to Him and He does. So, when I run out from under His covering, I feel dreadful. That feeling of dread causes me to look immediately to the paths I've been most recently travelling and evaluate them in His Light.

I had coffee with my friend Dzovig. She's a sweet, faithful barracuda. If you don't have a friend like her, get one!! I spewed my platitudes to her; but she wasn't buying it for a minute. She asked something like, "If working with God feels good, why aren't you also feeling good resting with God?"

I walked around feeling dreadful for a bit longer, aware that Dzovig had touched on something, but still not knowing what to do. I walked into work after taking an extra day off and began to cry. The faces of my coworkers and the works that awaited me were tender and wonderful.

One precious coworker waited days and then asked me, "Hey friend, how are you doing?" It wasn't one of those times to say, "Fine, thanks." That's not the answer Kelly is looking for when he asks. I couldn't answer; instead, I just cried. We prayed together, asking the Spirit to reveal His message for me and, faithfully, the Spirit did not disappoint.

It is MY joy to rest WITH God...my job to look for him and stay close to Him wherever and whatever He has me doing. I didn't even realize that I saw rest as something you go away from God and do. How do you "do" rest anyway, right?

WOW! That seems like a simple truth; but it was not how I was living my life. Thanks to the 'Experiencing God' Bible study, I see God as Supreme and always at work. I see my privilege as one of joining Him in His work. What I didn't know is that I got lost thinking that when I needed a break, I needed to go away from Him.

What a putz!! Is that how you spell it? The dictionary didn't like it; but I'll bet you understand exactly what I'm saying.

I share this with you because you are precious to me and maybe this will bless you.

I shared this "place" I was in with my boss. Greg. He shared a section from a book I highly recommend, "Leadership Prayers" by Richard Kriegbaum. This book, with the wisdom embedded in prayers, will transform you! On page 54 there was a prayer calling out the phrase, "I tried to go beyond the strength you gave and I have exhausted myself."

Clearly, if God promises rest in His word, with the command "Come to me" it is wise to rest WITH Him so that He will give all the strength needed for the next (or continuing) journey.

Ah, lesson discovered! Now to pray for real-life application...

I've begun a more in depth search of the Word for truths I missed before. One truth that I love, that I quote often is from Solomon. After being the richest and smartest (watch out Bill Gates) man to have ever lived, Solomon shares his greatest truth. He says, "Above all else, keep a vigilant watch over your heart because that's where life starts." I share this with my children on a daily basis. There are so many unknowing people and situations being used by the Enemy to attack our sweet hearts. We must guard them!

Today, in my quest to read through the entire Bible in a year, I read through 1Peter.

And then (in 1Peter 4:8) Peter says, "Above all..." That got my attention immediately!

Peter's a man I can definitely relate to even more closely than to Solomon. Peter was a simple fisherman called by Jesus. Peter said, "Yes" and then made LOTS of recorded mistakes, all the while continuing in his desire to follow Jesus.

Here's what Peter said as he shared his "above all" truth.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

I share this with you today after taking this morning to begin a new journey of discovering how it feels to rest WITH God feeling completely refreshed. Join me?

Proof of Blessing

Was reading yesterday about Thomas, the doubter. I like him. He was honest without being disrespectful.

He wanted PROOF that Christ had risen. While everyone was excitedly talking about seeing Jesus after being buried, Thomas asked specifically to put his hands where the nails had penetrated Jesus' hands. He even asked to put his hands INTO the wound in His side. Ew!

But honestly, I understand Thomas. I like proof, too.

But Jesus said something, after providing proof, that knocked me down yesterday as I read it.

After Jesus gives Thomas EXACTLY what he asked and Thomas has his proof, Jesus says, "You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me."

At first blush, I read this as Jesus scolding Thomas. But I grew up being scolded and scolding others, so I have to ask God to give me fresh new eyes to read these words so that I can see the Message from His perspective. Why did He make these specific Words a part of His Living Message?

After asking this, I read it all again and found myself focused anew on the word "BLESSED".

I noticed that I had been reading it like it was an old English word, Bless-ed. Like it was inconsequential. With new eyes, I see that this word is VERY consequential.

The consequences are these:

You decide that you will believe without seeing. You decide that you will believe without proof. You decide to stop demanding and, instead, give your life over to follow Jesus fully.

And, in this one sentence (one tiny sentence) Jesus promises that He will retroactively BLESS your life.

Okay, doubters., imagine this: Your grandmother pulls you aside for a sweet moment when you turn 16. She says she's looked forward to this moment since you were born. Your grandmother looks into your eyes and tells you that, on the day you were born, a King came to stand beside your cradle. She tells you about this King's majesty, handsome beauty and soft kindness. Then she tells you a surprising, but exciting truth. The King traveled all this way to speak a blessing over your life. And she describes to you all the things this King spoke. He spoke over you that your life would be marked with greatness; but not according to this puny world's standards. He spoke gifts into your life that you would touch others with kind inspiration. He spoke that you would encounter many obstacles and heartaches; but you would not only overcome those, you would use them to comfort others. And finally this King spoke over you that while many things and people would try to enslave you and dominate you; your life would be marked with freedom: a peace and contentedness that defied all explanation.

So the REAL question is this: How would we live our lives if we all knew that there had been a profound blessing upon us at birth? I know that, if I had heard and believed this at age 16, there would be MORE wonderful stories to tell and fewer instances of vultures circling the skies over roadkill created by my poor choices.

Here's the Truth: When you choose to follow Christ (the King), no matter what age, it's as if He retroactively appears at the side of your cradle, adopts you as His own, speaks a blessing over your life that NOTHING will be wasted and gives you freedom to live in peace and contentedness according to His blessings.

"Blessed are those who believe without seeing me"

I'm experiencing a season of my life where the "roadkill" is being redeemed...changed...do I dare say resurrected to a new life? I don't say this to minimize Christ's sacrifice and victory; I use this word to show that His death and resurrection are Ongoing...Living and Life-Restoring. I chose at age 31 to "believe without seeing" and I am just amazed to encounter regular moments where something that felt terribly bad in my past (that I prefer and try unsuccessfully to forget) is placed before me and I'm given the BLESSING to make a new choice and receive new freedom and peace.

I haven't had the luxury that Thomas had of seeing, feeling and experiencing scientific proof; but I'm living a daily life that is all the proof I need!!

The JOY of Reconciliation

What does Webster say about reconciliation?

Webster says it is the process of making consistent or compatible.

Nope. Once again, Webster fails at defining a word to match the effect it is causing in my heart right now.

I attended the Leadership Summit this year and heard Tim Keller speak about a topic that fascinates me. In his book, The Prodigal God, he unpacks the story of the Prodigal Son. I can't wait to read this book.

One of the things he said has stayed with me day to day, prayer to prayer. Tim Keller said that we often think of the prodigal son as the one who needs to repent of all his wrongdoing and return to the Father for forgiveness. But here's what got me: Tim Keller also said that we should also consider the older son and his need to repent of his rightdoing and return to the Father for forgiveness.

What?? Oh, now you're REALLY messing with everything I know to be "true"!!

The "truth" I was taught was: be good, do what's right all the time and things will work out and you'll have the best life.

So, "repent of my rightdoing" is like trying to speak German. I've tried. It hasn't worked well. They laugh at me. Really.

The light bulb went on the other day when school started again and I was faced with driving the boys to school. I am very proud of my good driving skills and my ability to follow directional arrows and interpret colors painted on curbs. This is not an area of pride, evidently, for many other Clovis North parents. Grace goes right out the window when I drive the "right" way in the drop-off pick-up zones. I had to really think about my motivations and admit that, at Clovis North (7:40am and 3:05pm) I would rather be "right" than gracious. That's NOT good!

And so I understand why God has placed this phrase front and center in my thoughts these days. There are many more joyful and triumphant rewards in being sensitive and grace-filled than in being in love with your "rightdoing". Wow.

In the last 5 days, I have witnessed (or been told about) BIG moves of God that each involve letting go of what's "right" and, instead, staying sensitive to His Holy Spirit.

I heard the story of a daughter who turned away from judging her mother's choices and, instead, dropped to her knees in prayer next to her sleeping mother and felt absolutely transformed. God did not transform the mother, He transformed the daughter and she repented of her "rightdoing".

I watched on Sunday morning as our church did baptism the "right" way. We baptized a woman at 9:00 and then two school-aged girls at 10:45. Each had thoughtfully prepared their testimony and it was shared with those who came to worship. It was beautiful, as always. But then our pastor, being sensitive to the Spirit of God, announced that ANYONE could now come and proclaim Christ for the first time, or they could come and be baptized as a proclamation of obedience as a Christ follower. What? In their street clothes? Where would they dry off? Would they go home dripping wet?

Seventy-nine people came forward on Sunday and, yes, in their street clothes stepped into the waters and were baptized.

Today, I called a precious woman who was once the best friend I had. She was the only one I think, besides my own mother, who was at both of my weddings. She held the left leg and Derek held the right leg as I gave birth to Blake. Precious.

It was her birthday yesterday. Today is the day after her birthday. Our hearts were knit together for so many years; but we'd drifted apart. I'm still not sure of all the reasons. We were united in so many different seasons of our lives. But, in the end, we had different philosophies about life and, maybe, had very little to talk about.

The "right" thing? Leave it alone! Why stir up old history? Your lives are different and full and no longer united. These are the "rightdoing" things that tried to kidnap my thinking. What did I do?

Well first, I went the "chicken" route. I decided to try to find her on Facebook again. I had tried before and never found her. She wasn't listed. Oh well.

Then, I had the feeling that I was not going to be able to concentrate on anything until I made the call. I looked her up on Zaba Search to be sure the phone number I had still matched. stalling.....

And then I called her. And it was busy. BUSY? Who has a busy signal anymore?

I called again a few minutes later. Still busy.

Then, I did the unexplainable. I called again. I can't tell you why except that I knew I was being sensitive to Someone Bigger than me. I also felt that my day was not going to come together until I did. Honestly, I thought I might leave a really lame (have you heard me leave messages?) day-late "Happy Birthday" message on her machine and call it "done".

But she answered. And it was SOOO great to hear her voice. I said something lame (I'm way better in writing than on the phone) and then she said the most amazing thing. She said, "This is a miracle. I'm facing a big battle in my life right now (cancer) and I have thought about you a lot. You know it's hard for me to say when I need something; but I need YOU and now [after maybe 10 years apart] you call. It's just a MIRACLE that you called."

We talked for a bit. Not long enough. We cried together and then I bawled like a baby after I hung up. She's going to call me again later today and I hope we'll talk more. If she needs me, I'm there!! No questions. No concerns about "rightdoing"

Oh yeah, I can't leave this part out of this amazing story. My friend became a follower of Christ about about twenty years ago. I was not Christian then. I had been born and raised Mormon and then had married Catholic and I was DONE with organized religion and people believing there's "more" to life. You've all heard this story.

Twenty years ago, when she shared her new love with me, I DID NOT support her. I mocked her and debated with her and when she stopped attending church due to something unfortunate and painful that happened associated with the church, I said, "I told you so!" And then I was fully supportive of her bitterness and disappointment.

Fast forward nearly a decade when I gave my life over to Christ. I told her about it. She was not excited. She didn't mock me and she wasn't rude; but she was clear that we had nothing in common in Christianity.

And then we drifted apart.

The best words I could ever imagine hearing today when I called her? As she was telling me about everything that had happened with her since we last talked, she said, "I'm back with the Lord."

God used me today (miracle that I can even be used) to show my friend that He is FAITHFUL to answer prayers and will provide everything we need and much of what we want when we align our wants with His will. What an honor!! My favorite thing to do is punch God's time clock and help in the work he doesn't even need me to help with!! And God showed me the miracle of how He brings even those, we think are the most unlikely, victoriously to Himself.

Reconciliation.

Being fussed over...

As a mom, I understand what it is to "fuss over" a precious little one. Are they too hot? Are they too cold? Are they hungry? Do they need a diaper change? Well, the diaper changes are more of a distant memory; but "fussing" is what moms do.

Interesting that this idea was made large this week as I read from the book of Matthew 15 about Jesus feeding the 4,000. I have read this story many times; but a Fresh Perspective came over me as I read it this week.

I saw, in this passage, what wasn't said and enjoyed the picture of Jesus fussing over ME!

The story paints a picture of 4000 people in the middle of the wilderness about to become hungry.

The disciples, logical thinkers that they were, counted the food they had and let Jesus know that there was no way they could feed them. The story goes on to the miracle of the loaves and fishes and the people ate all they wanted and there was food left over.

What I missed in earlier readings is this: The story mentions that Jesus was "feeling sorry" that they had been there 3 days and had nothing left to eat. Jesus was concerned that the people were hungry. The story doesn't say that the people were groaning, whining and complaining that they were hungry.

I see Jesus doing 2 important things that have become precious to me:

1. He was thinking about the need that was coming...anticipating their needs....even before the need was presented in living color. He KNOWS what we need before a single hunger pain arrives. He said, "I feel sorry for these people. They have been here with me for three days, and they have nothing left to eat. I don't want to send them away hungry, or they will faint along the way."

2. And, just like we parents who like to reward our children for good choices, He placed a high priority on providing (even through supernatural means) for the needs of those people based on his unconditional love for them and through their selfless choice to stay with Him, even though they didn't have enough food.

I hadn't thought about it in depth before my reading this week. These people chose to stop whatever they were doing in their "normal" life and follow Jesus into the wilderness to hear Him and just be with Him.

Long before the advent of cars and ice chests, they probably packed a basket with food. They had no idea how long they would be there, yet they continued to choose to stay even after their food supply had run out.

Every time I've read this passage before, I've marveled at another of Jesus' miracles. Today, I'm in awe of 4,000 people who decided to stay.

They were making a Kingdom choice that made no earthly sense. And Jesus "fussed over" them and loved them and, ultimately, displayed the Father's Glory by providing all they needed supernaturally.

He rewarded their great choice with love, care, provision, GLORY and grace.

Today, I'm motivated and challenging myself to think about my choices. The truth is, I think that if I were among those 4,000, I would've left early to "beat the crowds" as soon as my earthly food supply ran out.

Oh, what I would've missed!! All in an effort to protect my own provision and needs. This choice of "staying with Jesus regardless of the surrounding circumstances" goes against every "common sense" lesson my parents taught me.

And yet, the TRUTH propels me forward in new and exciting ways!!

Priorities & God's Will

I'm thinking today about a precious new friend Rosi and a priceless friend Tracy.

Both are facing big turning points in their lives. Both are making choices according to God's will for their lives. I admire them both so much.

A really common question these days is, "How do I know God's will for my life?" Or, for those without a faith and devotion to Jesus, they say, "Life feels like it's spinning out of control, how do I know the true priorities for my life?"

I cannot answer this in entirety; I'm a seeker, just like you. But I can share with you what I've discovered in my own life and now watch in the lives of my devoted friends.

Years ago, Cheryl, another powerhouse woman I know shared something she'd heard at a women's conference that she thought was remarkable. The speaker there had shared that knowing our priorities is actually very simple: We just need to look first to all the things that ONLY WE were created to do and make sure we do those things first. I will add that we should also commit ourselves to do those things in the order in which they arrived in our lives.

And I will testify that following this simple formula has brought ABUNDANT blessings and OVERFLOWING peace to my life.

Here's how it works in my life. I was first created to be the daughter of a KING. That occurred at birth...no, conception...no, even before conception. I am not the ONLY daughter of the KING; however, I have been created one-of-a-kind. I'm the ONLY Linda Sue Wilson Locarnini Stephens born on December 21, 1964 at 8:15am. God's desire is that I accept my full inheritance (Matthew 25:34; Acts 20:32; Ephesians 1:18; Colossians 3:24; Galatians 4:4) as His adopted daughter and learn more every day about what it means to be fully His. That happened first, so that is my FIRST priority.

Next, He placed me in the care of two adults...my parents. Their competence at this task is irrelevant. (Exodus 20:12; Matthew 19:18) I am/was their ONLY child named Linda and, as this happened second, this is my SECOND priority.

Lots of stuff happened between birth and marriage; but it was stuff that happens to everyone and is common across people groups. There was really nothing, during this time, that was ONLY me.

So, the next thing to examine was marriage. For a time, I was my first husband's ONLY love. That should have placed him next in priority; but I did not know Jesus at this time in my life and I was a very self-serving person. I did not make him my next highest priority in life after my Father or parents and our marriage failed.

The temptation was this: I was a college graduate. I was not, however, the ONLY one. I was making LOTS of money in management; but I was not the ONLY one. I was a good employee...often exemplary; but, in retrospect, I was not the ONLY one created for these workplace tasks. Placing this as a higher priority than other areas where I was created to be the ONLY was toxic to my life and did not bring blessings; instead this brought further burdens multiplied on themselves.

I was left lonely.

My life began to turn around with my decision to be Derek's ONLY wife. Yes, he had a wife before and she was his daughter's ONLY mother (and still is). But now Derek and I made a commitment to be each other's ONLY spouse. This role became my THIRD priority.

Now, some of you will freak out right now saying, "A man should leave his [earthly] father and mother and a woman should leave her [earthly] father and mother and be joined together..." and I agree with you that, once you're an adult, parents should slip below the priority of your husband. That is, of course, if you are not the ONLY child they have. I'm probably creating controversy here; but I will clarify this in just a minute.

When we knew that God had given us Blake...and later Bryson...I discovered the joy of being their ONLY mother partnered with Derek, their ONLY father. My FOURTH priority. Here arrived a new temptation: I felt a very strong pull to make these precious babies my FIRST priority and I often slipped into this tempting behavior. And when I would behave this way, peace would drain away and be replaced by anything from discontent to all-all chaos.

When I would return to making my FIRST thing first and my SECOND thing second, my THIRD thing third, I would present my babies with a confident and loving, peace-filled mommy. Joy!

Being an acts of service lover and a words of affirmation lover, the workplace is/was a HUGE temptation for me. The workplace is where I can put my hands on something and it feels less redundant (making beds and doing dishes are SOOOO redundant) and more rewarding. And hearing "kudos" about work well done tempts me to make the workplace my FIRST priority. Again, each time I've done this, Peace has left me empty and lonely and often blaming and battling against my higher priority people because of those feelings. Only prayer and obedience to these Divine priorities has restored things right.

Now, I will clarify a time that earthly parents might become a higher priority than husband or wife.

These discovered natural priorities were REALLY put to the test in January of 2005. My mother lay dying in hospice care. The day nurses were competent; but the night staff was uncaring and not showing her the dignity my mother deserved. I will also share with you that she was embroiled (oooh, good word) in a spiritual battle while she lay in that hospital bed. Right around her birthday (January 11) I was told she had only days to live. Being her ONLY child, and with my husband's blessing, I resolved to stay with her and ensure her final days were honoring to her and were spent in full anticipation of Jesus.

But the battle continued. Although I was told she could live only days without food and water, she lived more than a week longer. On January 17, my sweet Bryson turned 4 and I cried my eyes out as I missed his birthday party. Many friends said, "You should go to your son's birthday party. How sad that Bryson will remember his party without his mommy."

Yes, I am Bryson's ONLY mommy; but I was also my mother's ONLY child. I prayed and journaled and struggled. In the end, I had to evaluate the critical role I played in each situation. As my father had died years earlier and my mother had no other relatives here, I was the ONLY one who could properly and legally advocate for my mother's care and dignity.

Bryson, on the other hand, was surrounded by many who would make his party outstanding and filled with love and smiles. There were many women (including Aunt Joy and friend Kelli) who loved and played with Bryson that day. I cried as I missed it; but felt peace in proper priorities. No, it didn't "feel right"; but I felt Divine confirmation.

My mother died on January 22, defying all the rules (as she did throughout her life) of how long someone can live without liquid, and I have full confidence that she joined all those surrounding Jesus in unending worship in Heaven.

Later, friend Kelli told me a story about Bryson's birthday party. Feeling sad my sadness in missing the event, Kelli had scooped Bryson into her arms and asked him, "Bryson, do you know how much your mommy loves you?" He quickly and confidently replied, "Yes! She loves me to Pluto and back 500 times!"

Bryson knew that in his head...and he knew that in his heart...because we had played that "I love you more" game every night for years. Turns out, my 4-year-old boy had NO concerns about my priorities. God, himself, I believe had reassured Bryson throughout the entire season. Another blessing for proper priorities!!

Today, I pray for Rosi and Tracy as they embrace these priorities even as the world tempts them to be swayed. They are putting FIRST first, SECOND second and THIRD third and I KNOW they will encounter trials and temptations and maybe even sadness and longing; but I also KNOW that their full commitment to their Divinely ordered priorities will ultimately bring them the best gift of all in this world of chaos...Peace reigning in their hearts and an outward expression of joy.

Go girls!!

Leave It All to Me

Okay, I know you all count on me to be deep and insightful.

So, you'll no doubt be surprised that the inspiration for this blog post is the TV show iCarly. I just love that show! Complete silliness!! I can't decide if I like Spencer the best or Sam. And I have to say that actress Miranda Cosgrove is a super-great "straight man" to all the comedy that happens around her on the show. I also like that my kids think it's "cool weird" to have a mom that can't wait until they premiere a new episode of iCarly.

I was listening to my iPod this morning...

...funny side note: my husband, Derek, has been taking my iPod shuffle to the gym with him. It's got some amazingly deep and insightful contemporary worship songs on it. I imagine him listening to TobyMac and David Crowder and Chris Tomlin....and then BAM! Miranda Cosgrove suddenly begins singing the iCarly theme song. Makes me laugh just thinking about what the look on his face must be at that moment.



And yes, my friend Paula Hall, Go Fish is also on that iPod. You should see Derek dance to THOSE songs!!

Oops, back to the iPod story. I was cleaning house this morning, as part of family stewardship time. And the iCarly song came on. I suddenly began cleaning at twice the speed and bouncing up and down to the cute little tune. Fun!

When it was done, I felt a bizarre Holy moment happening. Are you kidding me? God wants to speak to me about iCarly? I restarted the song and sat down and just listened to the words. Then, I called each of the boys to my side (they were grateful for a break in cleaning) and we shared ear buds and listened again...and again.

I told the boys, "Listen for fun at first. Then, listen to the song as if God was singing it directly into your heart. From His Heart to yours. And then from your heart to His" I watched as both of them brightened, began nodding their heads and listening with a new perspective.

So, I share the lyrics with you and wonder if you might enjoy them as a love song from Him to you! You see, (and here's the deep insightful part you might have come to know and love from me) I believe that there's a place in each of our hearts that cries out for God and hears His message for us and longs to answer Him. Believers either know or strive to learn what to do with His message to their hearts. But people who don't yet have that personal relationship with Him still hear Him and, not knowing what to do with what He's telling them, write lyrics like these:

(imagine God singing this to your heart)
I know you see
somehow the world will change for Me
And be so wonderful
Live life, breathe air
I know somehow were gonna get there
And feel so wonderful

I will make you change your mind
These things happen all the time
And It's all Reeeaaaaal
I'm telling you just how I feel

So, wake-up the members of My Nation
It's your time to BE
There's no chance unless you take one
Take the time to see
the brighter side of every situation

Some things are meant to be
So give Me your best and leave the rest to Me

(imagine your heart singing this to God)
I know its time
to raise the hand that draws the line
And be so wonderful
Golden sunshine
I know [with You] its gunna be mine
And BE so wonderful

(God sings to you)
Show me what you can become
There’s a dream in everyone
And It's all reeeaaaaal
I’m telling you just how I feel

So, wake-up the members of My Nation
It's your time to BE
There's no chance unless you take one
Take the time to see
the brighter side of every situation

Some things are meant to be
so give Me your best and leave the rest to me

Leave it all to Me
Leave it all to Me

So make it Mine
and see it through
you know you wont be free until you...

wake-up the members of My Nation
It's your time to be
There's no chance unless you take one
Take the time to see
the brighter side of every situation

Some things are meant to be
so give me your best and leave the rest to Me

Leave it all to me...Leave it all to me...Just leave it all to me

For those that need to hear the catchy-little-tune in order to enjoy it, here's a link:

iCarly Theme Song




I feel an enormous blessing, honor and calling to help children (especially my own) look for God everywhere and in everything and, in knowing Him and seeing Him, find an unending passion to serve Him.

Instinct

I want to go "on record" that these days, since the beginning of February, have been both wonderful and terrible.

Wonderful to accept the invitation of a promotion and begin a job (Director of Children's Ministry at New Harvest Church) that I KNOW God has been preparing me to do for years...even though I didn't fully recognize it until now. It's been wonderful to feel His pleasure each day.

This makes me think of a quote from track and field hero Eric Liddell (made famous in Chariots of Fire) who said, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."

It's wonderful that God made me to do this work at New Harvest Church and when I do this work, I feel His pleasure! Wonderful that I've been given the extreme privilege of doing this work AND being with my children each day before and after school.

Terrible to be stricken with bronchitis and severe asthma during the same days. Terrible to be gasping for breath and coughing until I need to change my clothes (no additional details needed). Terrible to watch my family succumb to sinus infection one by one. Even sweet Charley has a sinus infection. Terrible to watch my handsome son lie in bed with 102 fever for 5 straight days, at the same time knowing that his grades need serious help. Terrible (for me) to see the house no longer in "tip top shape" as I've chosen to return to work full time.

Everything could feel hopeless. Except I know the source of real Hope.

I could be tempted to retreat. I could easily say, "I must've made the wrong decision. Clearly, if I would've made the right decision, everything would be easier." Instinctively, I want to run backwards to where I was when I was healthy, my family was healthy, the dog was healthy, the house was fully organized, color-coded and caught up. Instinctively, I am tempted by that mythical place in the past where everything was good and right and easier.

And then, as I do today, I hear Jesus say to me directly as He asked Peter in Mark 8:29 "But what about you?" Jesus asks. "Who do you say I am?"

And I realize in this moment that what I say by opening my mouth and using my vocal cords is NOTHING compared to what I say with my life.

When I run backwards, I may say with my mouth that Jesus is my Savior; but with my life, I say that Jesus is not strong enough to handle "terrible" sickness, chaos and disarray.

When I crave easy, I may say with my with my mouth that Jesus is my Lord; but with my life, I say that Jesus is someone I keep in a box--to call upon only when things get tough.

When I whine about uncertainty and disarray, I may say with my mouth that Jesus is my Provider; but with my life, I say that Jesus is not consistent and cannot be counted upon all the time to provide what's needed and direct us to what's important.

My greatest desire is that my life will reflect exactly who Jesus is. Favorite song lyrics float through my head: "I will stand up now, I will not step down, I will do my best to wear this crown but I need You as You guide me through today." (Artist Everyday Sunday) Another favorite phrase in the song brings conviction: "When will you wake up and see that it takes more than just you to get through this life?"

Let my life show that Jesus is my Savior (brought me out of a very deep pit and adopted me to be a princess belonging to Him). He is my Lord (he guides me through today and the evidence of his guidance in my life's yesterdays is everything fruitful) He is my provider (he keeps me humble and gives only what's needed, but never fails to provide ALL that's needed) and He is Love (the ONLY dependable model in my life of complete, unfailing, unconditional love).

You know, when I went looking for the Eric Liddell quote about feeling God's pleasure in your life, I found another one of his quotes that's a better finish to this blog than anything I could say.

"You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe your dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race."

Starting with the Edge Pieces...

Okay, so I'm reading in Genesis. Now wait, don't think I'm going to try reading the Bible from cover to cover. I think I would give up too soon for sure!!

Instead, I used the gift certificate I received for my birthday to buy a 365 day devotion that was totally Bible based; rather than what I usually gravitate toward. I usually like to get stuff by Max Lucado or Beth Moore or Randy Alcorn or... And, don't get me wrong, those writers are AWESOME! I just felt God reminding me that the "edge pieces" were His Word-not other popular people's opinion of His Word.

But that felt overwhelming. Why does doing the right thing the way it should be done always feel overwhelming? More on that later.

So, I persevered through the feeling of being overwhelmed and looked for a solution. And that's when I found a simple devotional book that presents scripture and then asks riveting questions.

I read the creation story. I was enjoying the whole thing until my heart stumbled upon this phrase: "God rested". I suddenly realized that I had never comprehended the idea of GOD, the ONE who knows all, created all, present now, present in the past, present in the forever future...resting. I still can't wrap my little pea-sized brain around God resting. Setting a forever example for us workaholics and do-do addicted people, He rested. What does the picture of God resting look like? I shouldn't be so surprised that I can't imagine this: it's taken me years to learn to rest. For years, I would try to rest only to find myself anxiously thinking about what I SHOULD be doing instead of resting. I felt guilty for resting.

God rests. God works and God rests. The edges are coming together....

Now, if I could just NOT feel overwhelmed about a little exercise here and there.....

Asking the wrong question...

I've been begging for an answer about something.

I want to be a good steward of how I spend the time that God has given me. Derek and I have learned the blessings of being good stewards of how we spend His money. There are BIG blessings in realizing that it's all His and we just need to be good managers.

I want to offer my best to the Lord. I want to spend what time I have the way He wants it spent, doing what He's created me to do, for the results that He has purposed.

Some say I take this too seriously and...true...that is my tendency. But today, as a New Year dawns, I'm thinking maybe we don't give this enough thought. I think many of us resolve to recreate our lives in January; but wake up and see where the day takes us the other eleven months of the year. I hear a lot of people saying things like, "I just don't know where the time's going."

So, yes, I want live "on purpose" for the Lord.

This verse in Ephesians 5: 16-17 motivates my drive for answers:

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,

making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

So, back to this morning's prayers. I prayed specifically, "Lord, show me how everything will fit. What things do I keep? What things do I say 'goodbye' to? Aspect? Finished in Five? Your gift of New Harvest has been wonderful; I know THAT'S a keeper; but what about the puny amount of the remainder of my time? How shall that be spent? Because I know you don't want me to bury it in the ground with mindless TV."

I asked in the car. I asked over coffee with dear friends. I asked while I did laundry.

But, once again, because I gave Him my time and undivided attention this morning, He could reward me with an answer. And because of how I'm wired, He answered with a picture.

I saw a picture of a 1000 piece puzzle all laid out on a table. There were a few center pieces that had been pieced together; but, otherwise, the pieces were all still scattered.

And, as I looked at the puzzle pieces, He said, "You're asking the wrong question, dear one. You need to put the edges together first before I can help you with the center."

My reply? "What are the edges?"

And He said, "The number one edge piece involves devoted time reading My Word. Second, you need to be spending time exercising to stay healthy. Next, you need to concentrate even more on the foundations of your family: your marraige. Once those 'edge pieces' are together, THEN we can talk about what should go inside."

OUCH!

I just seem to be filled with really weak excuses lately about why I'm not spending daily time reading the Bible and daily time exercising. And I'm a WRECK by the time Derek returns home from work. Just one hour per day protected for these things would do it, right? I could read for 30 minutes and walk (with Derek?) for 30 minutes. But I don't. Instead, I feel overwhelmed and over scheduled and entitled to a "break".

I think I hear Him telling me I'm taking a break from the wrong things. I'm taking a break from looking for...and connecting...my "edge pieces". After all, those are the things that will hold everything else together, right?

What are your "edge pieces"? Are you ignoring them, too? Is this why New Year's Resolutions have become so popular? And, at the same time so pathetic? Are we all trying to put together the insides of our puzzles without sorting through and attaching the edges first?