Perfection-Chasing vs Freedom

Today I return back to "normal" life after being away for BLISS with my family. We enjoyed 2 days at the Shaver cabin and 2 days at Asilomar and Pacific Grove. The highlight of our time together was kayaking off Lover's Point in Pacific Grove and viewing the Monterey Bay Aquarium from the ocean while sea lions and otters played around us.

Consequently, this morning, I found myself thinking about depression and times that I feel extremely anxious. Those of you that know me well have been with me when I'll draw a deep breath in and blow it out fast to fight off an anxious thought. I simply don't know what I would do without Jesus in my life, especially in these moments. I believe this is the way that God has shown me to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2Cor10:5

Lately, I've had clarity enough to really examine what's happening in my mind when these anxious thoughts hit. I'm seeing that, without exception, these moments are brought on by a freight train collission between what the world says I "should" be doing and what I've learned by becoming a disciple of Jesus. A bumbling learner.

Here's a recent freight train moment: We volunteered to have the 4th of July party at our home. This involved having lifelong family friends of my in-loves, my husband's best friend from childhood (travelled all the way from Orange County) and his family. Once again, the children under the age of 12 nearly outnumbered the adults and there were 38 guests in all. We readied the pool, the patio, the family room, the guest bath...for the COMFORT and ENJOYMENT of our guests.

At one point during the party, my mother-in-love's friend asked for a tour. I didn't realize that she'd never been to our home. I began the tour showing her the exchange student guest room (newly redecorated...thanks Tracy!) and took her to the guest bath and Brooke's room. Brooke had picked everything off her floor and I was thinking that her room was looking pretty nice; however, the friend was clearly shocked that the bed was not made and commented out loud about it. Her daughter (also on the tour) said something like: "Mom, she's a teenager, she probably just got out of the bed." Everyone laughed...except me. Oh, no. I knew she had 3 more bedrooms to see upstairs. And I knew each bedroom had the doors pulled closed and NONE had neatly made beds. Ashamed, I actually walked away and let my mother-in-love finish giving the tour to her friend.

I was HORRIFIED and suddenly propelled back to my perfection chasing days where...in order to prepare for an event of this magnitude...I would've screamed and yelled at my family all morning, barking orders and even crying that everything was not perfect. I would've finished my nervous breakdown just as the doorbell rang. At that point I would've thrown on my fake smile for the first to arrive. My precious family (the ones that I cherish the most) would've sat there battle-scarred for the first hour or so wondering what kind of bi-polar behavior they were witnessing; but no one would've ever dared to talk about it. God showed me years ago that this wasn't HIS way.

But now, in this moment, I was dealing with the fact that I hadn't forced everyone to make their beds that day and I hadn't bothered to make mine either. Anyway, I didn't make eye contact with the friend the rest of the day and evening. It was hard to think of much else except to see myself as some kind of failure. And I continued to feel sad about the thought that my mother-in-love probably was held to explain why her son's daughter doesn't keep the house nice.

This is the best news: But then I go to The Word and I SNAP OUT OF IT!! I "blow out" those standards imposed by well-meaning, loving, and yes, even Christian friends and live according to what God has told ME he wants for my life. Two verses immediately come to mind as God scoops me up into his loving hands and holds me. Matthew 11:29-30 says, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The other verse is a treasure to my life. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

God has asked me (and you, let's be honest) to chase HIM, not the world's definition of perfect. He's asked me to be a loving wife and a loving mother, teaching and modeling HIM.

Somewhere along the line, God had shown ME that I couldn't have both. I couldn't have a home direct from the pages of "Country Living" magazine AND be gentle, humble in heart, rested, un-burdened and FREE of the world's slavery. Maybe someday, when there are no longer 3 and sometimes 4 kids running around our home I will go back to keeping everything perfectly tidy; but honestly, I don't want to be a woman that says (after the kids are gone), "I wish I would've spent more time playing Wii with my kids".

I'm not making the beds today, either. I will concentrate on the NEEDS. The suitcases will be unpacked. The clothes will be washed and folded. The dishes will be cleaned and ready for the next meal. I just finished walking for 30 minutes and doing weight resistence exercises for 20. My quiet time has produced this fruit and now a shower is well overdue. I'm in search of a part-time job where I can work hard while the boys are in school. I'm praying for a position that might open at Fresno State. (Pray with me for that, okay?) While the clothes are washing this morning, I will do my CM bookkeeping and make calls searching for families for exchange students. This afternoon, I will complete 2 more pages in my Faithbook. After that, I'll prepare the meal (fish tacos if you must know). I'll do these chosen NEEDS to serve God and the family he's given me.

Some will tell me, "I don't know how you do it all." And, instead of immediately thinking of everything I'm NOT doing and finding panic and anxiousness...I will "blow out" and think instead: "I can do ALL (necessary) things through Christ who strengthens me" and FREES me of the world's ball-and-chain of perfection-chasing to live a life of HIS easy yoke and light burden.