God's Perfect Provision

This morning I heard from God that there was a blog to write. I searched my heart and found some discontent in a couple of areas and wondered if I was to blog about that.

Then, I received an email from a wonderful woman and Crown Financial counselor that Derek and I had been blessed to visit. She saw our Christmas Card, saw that I had a new job, and wanted to know the juicy details.

As I was writing those juicy testimonial morsels to her in an email, I realized that the contentedness I feel in God as a Perfect Provider is the blog for today...not any dis-contentedness that might be distracting me.

Here's what I wrote to Kim:

God is so good; there must be better words to use to praise Him!

You’ll remember that when we met with you last Summer we had a gap in our budget. We had removed the "wants" focusing only on the "needs". In order to honor God, we needed more dependable income to cover our necessary expenses.

We reviewed. You offered wise counsel. We listened and we prayed.

And not even 7 days later the elementary school called out-of-the-blue to offer me a playground monitor job. You’ll also remember that I had been very honest and open about not liking other people’s children. I thought that the offer from the school was a joke or worse: temptation from the enemy to put myself in the worst possible job where I would waste away angry and bitter.

But after doing the math and knowing that this was God making the offer and not really the school, I reluctantly took the job. Remember when I told you, “Kim, you said that the Lord had something BIG for me working in ministry that pays. How could this job at the school have anything to do with that?” At the time, you laughed and agreed that this was DEFINITELY the Lord and I should say, "Yes!" and get to work.

I hated the heat. I hated the cold. But a love grew in my heart for those kids that my body didn’t even have room for. When the year was over, I thought sure I would return.

But then, summer was hard (no paycheck for a school worker). And then the economy took a turn. With the rising gas prices and food costs, the gap in our budget got larger. The job at the school was no longer going to fill that gap.

We prayed again and I began looking for work at supermarkets and banks. But no one called.

Then, New Harvest Church posted an opening for a job in Children’s Ministry. The job was 14 hours per week and didn't involve interacting with the kids directly; but instead involved providing all the necessary supplies for the small group leaders to do what they are gifted to do. It also involved maintaining the computer system that tracks attendance and provides data for the church to use...and finally it involved maintaining a team of greeters that welcomes first time families and helps them enroll and get settled into worship as their children are blessed in small group environments. WOW! It was perfect!

Now, I have to confess: If God hadn’t softened my heart on that Copper Hills playground, I NEVER have considered answering an ad for a Children’s Ministry job. I would’ve said, “Not for me! No way!!” and kept looking. I see God’s perfect hand in what’s called his Prevenient Grace in every step of this journey.

I started at New Harvest Church in August, grateful for good and challenging work.

Then, at the beginning of November, the gap in our budget enlarged again. Why I didn’t trust God completely and immediately, I don’t know. I’m an idiot! I panicked. I began thinking once again about trying to fix the gap with my human solutions. Maybe ANOTHER part-time job?

I'm grateful for a God that wastes no time in showing me that my human solutions are pathetic. No kidding…I panicked on a Monday. And on the Wednesday of that same week, a member of our staff surprisingly resigned so she could be at her son’s Sunday soccer games. I was sad, shocked and worried about who would replace her. Then, instead of replacing her, our management asked if I would consider having my job duties enlarged and my hours increased to 20 per week!!!! I still make my own schedule and I’m waiting outside each of my children’s schools when the bell rings.

God is Jehovah Jireh. He IS.

I worried that working at a church would tarnish my ability to worship God and I have found the opposite at New Harvest. My worship is richer and the integrity is inspiring me to be a better Christ follower every day.

I thank God for that night in your kitchen for your wise Godly counsel. I thank God for YOU and you storming The Throne on our family’s behalf and being SO IN TOUCH with the Lord that you spoke prophetic words into my life. What I'm working on IS BIG. The curriculum we are using and the strategy and philosophy align with Jesus’ heart more than anything I’ve ever seen and I’m excited each day to be a part of it.

I worry a little about the coming summer. How will I structure my hours and my kids' time while I work? But, silly me! I know God has provided everything before I even know to need it or ask. So, I’m DONE borrowing trouble that is not mine.

The Changing Table

Submission

Boy, I hate that word! Do you hate that word? For a woman who loves words and doesn't allow the "h" word (hate) to be used around her, that's a pretty bold statement.

The thing is, I don't really hate that word. Once again, when I really consider things, what I hate is what the world around us has done to twist that word and make it seem like a painful prison cell for married women.

Let's consider the common places and times that we hear the word SUBMIT used:

Cop show on TV: "You're going to have to submit to a polygraph test. We know you're lying!"
US Government: "You must submit your tax payment within 30 days or face a penalty"
Prospective Employer: "You must submit your application, along with 3 references..."

Now, let's look at the dictionary.com definition of submit.

Based on what I'm hearing in the world and reading in the dictionary, if I were to give you my personal impression of the day-to-day definition of submission, I would say that it's: doing something that you don't like to do at all, because you're being forced to do it. Does that definition make you want to say, "Yes! Sign me up for some of that submission stuff!"?

It should be absolutely no surprise then, that women (and especially Christian women) bristle (ooh, that's a good word!) at the thought of submission to their husbands as the Godly head of the household. But, this is what the church teaches, right?

And as women, moving either boldly or cautiously along the road of following Christ, we're trying to gain confidence to follow Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. This is our goal. And then WHAM! we hear the message of submission and YOU BET! sometimes we put on the brakes.

Wouldn't you know it? One of the first studies I signed up for, after joining Tuesday morning women's Bible study, was a study on the "beauty" of submission. Except this author never got around to describing the beauty part. She was clearly a legalist. The truth about legalists is this: they enjoy rules more than they enjoy a relationship with Christ. They are all about truth; but usually short on grace. Legalists generally enjoy the feeling they get following rules and often fantasize about seeing others getting busted when they don't follow the rules.

The central verse on the submission Bible study I attended was Ephesians 5:22

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

Here's my confession: what I was learning in this study was almost a "deal breaker" for me. It was a "God, you've got to be kidding me!" moment. This only-child of an alcoholic father, fiercely independent, survived-a-failed-marriage, learning to be a blended-family wife and now boy mom...was just NOT buying that this "wives should submit to their husbands in everything" was what God really wanted for my life. I was SURE in my heart that God did not create me to be a "doormat."

What did I do? Thankfully, instead of running away from my new faith, I prayed. I prayed another one of my "Linda being real" prayers. I think I prayed something like this, "God, I love you so much. And God...surely you're kidding me! This part of your Word is just not sitting well with me at all. Please show me what you REALLY mean or show me how in the world I'm going to REALLY do this."

And, being the Faithful Father that He is, He did!

Just a few days later, I was changing little Bryson's diaper. I had him up on the changing table and, as usual, I was wishing they had straight-jackets for babies (oh no! did I just say that out loud!) I longed for restraint of some sort because changing Bryson's diaper was ALWAYS a two-person job. One person was needed to hold him down and stop him from rolling over and getting up on his hands and knees...so the other person could do the strip, clean and replace routine. Only, moms, can I get an "Amen!" here?? There's only ONE of us!!

So, as I was trying to get through this ordeal, I was quoting my earthly father. Those of you who know me well, know that this is usually the start of a BIG problem. Quotes from Dad often contain, well, offensiveness.

In a low, drill-seargent-style voice, reminiscent of Dad, I said to Bryson, "Bryson, I'm GOING to change this diaper. And we can do this one of two ways. I've got the easy way...but if you want the hard way, I've got that, too!! Bryson, if you want to spend all afternoon fighting me on this changing table, you can! Just know that I WILL WIN! And you're wasting precious play time choosing the hard way!"

And, there it was! In that precise moment, God spoke directly into my heart. It was so loud I almost cried on the spot. He said,

"Daughter, you've just described submission as I intend it. You see, I've given you this man (Derek) to be in your life. You know in your heart that Derek is a gift from me, not some accidental choice. And, because you've given your life to me now and prayed begging Me for a changed life, YOU are on MY changing table.
My goals are the same as yours with Bryson in this moment: Strip, clean, replace. I want to strip you of your bad habits that are lies and are getting you nowhere. I want to clean you so that what flows out of you is Me. And I want to replace your sorrow with gladness. I will do this by using people I've placed around you. Some will be Christians, others will not. My primary tool will be Derek. There are good things that Derek has (that he might not even be aware are for you) that he WILL give you and do for you; but you MUST sit still and be completely open to the GIFTS that Derek has for you. You can fight Derek. You can compete with him for power. You can insult him, cutting him off at the knees with your belittling comments. You can even ignore him. But all of these choices are "the hard way". If you fight MY GIFTS that Derek carries that I created and intend JUST FOR YOU, you'll be wasting "precious play time".

So, I had to decide which I liked more: fighting, sarcasm and "games"? or precious play time? This shouldn't have been a difficult decision; except for old habits die hard.

Looking back, it has been the world (especially TV commercials) that has told me that I needed to resist. Resist being dominated! Resist being taken-advantage of! Resist conforming to silly rules!

The Truth I share with you is that I REALLY DID FIND "precious play time" in a submitted relationship to both Christ and my husband, sitting still and watching for His Gifts. And Christ and Derek are both teaching me through encouragement and love to resist. Resist loneliness and isolation! Resist the lie of power over another! Resist the world's empty, but tempting lies!

So, I encourage YOU the way I have been encouraged. Embrace the gifts that Christ has placed in people all around you. Gifts that He intends just for YOU!! Now, that's the real beauty of submission.

Breaking Away from the Father

Conversation in the car on the way to THREE schools this morning:


Blake: (Blowing his nose. A lot! He's getting over a cold. Feeling nervous to return to school after being out.)
Bryson: (Experiencing deep compassion for this brother) "Will you STOP that??!! You're giving me a headache with all that blowing!!"
Blake: "I can't help it!"
Mom: "Bryson, do you know the word 'compassion'?"
Bryson: "Yes."
Mom: "Bryson, what does the word compassion mean?"
Bryson: (Clearly the smartest 7 year old I've known) "Well, it means feeling for someone else instead of feeling for yourself"
Mom: "YES! Exactly! Wow! You do know what compassion means! Now, how might you show compassion right now for your brother?"
Bryson: "I can't! It's just too hard."
Mom: (Clearly demonstrating that sarcasm is my spiritual gift) "Bryson, how is it that you can be SUCH an only child in the midst of a big family?"

And that got me thinking...


Those of you that know me...know that I am an only child. So, when I see self-centered behavior and "call it" it's because I recognize it from pure personal experience.



In addition to having no siblings, my earthly father had some serious problems with alcohol. Ultimately, that I know of, he did not turn his life over to God before he died. This is a painful reality for me.



Watching my children respect and relate to an earthly father that has turned his life over to follow Jesus...and is not struggling with painful addictions is awesome beyond description. It's the biggest earthly gift I've received that I simply do not deserve. What grace!

After reading today's devotion from Charles Stanley for September 30, 2008. http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/in_touch/ I had a wonderful realization that I thought I'd share with you.

I did a talk recently where I shared that Values + Beliefs + Ideals + Commitment = YOUR priority. I stressed that it's difficult to live your life with honest and Godly priorities...if your values and beliefs are "jacked up". (Okay, I didn't really say, "jacked up" but our pastor uses this very fancy term sometimes on Sunday mornings and it always makes me sit up and listen more, and I thought it would just be a better attention getter than a simple word like "flawed". Which one do you like better? Flawed? or Jacked-up?)** Anyway, the idea here is the same one when I learned basic computer programming: if you put "Garbage In" you'll surely get "Garbage Out"

Now, to take this "out of the lecture and into the lab"...God combined the thought about what I had shared in my talk, with this morning's Charles Stanley devotion subject and the conversation in the car with Bryson and "BAM!"

This morning, I see clearly that, as an only child, my early value and belief was that independence was IT. It was "too hard" to be told what to do all the time, and especially by someone who made bad decisions sometimes. Add to this that my earthly father taught me that freedom was only available to those who took it by manipulation or thoughtful planning. And watching my mother submitting herself as a victim to Dad's misguided behavior made me resolve to be FULLY INDEPENDENT.

Now that I consider it more, I see that the media is also teaching us (and especially our children) and encouraging us every day to make INDEPENDENT decisions and be IN CONTROL.

And so it was, even after coming to know the Lord as the I AM, the Creator of everything and the Giver of all good things, Comforter, Healer....Who I wanted to give my life to...I still could not make Him my top priority as long as my highest values and beliefs were about being seen as SUCCESSFULLY INDEPENDENT.

Wow! So, imagine this with me: my earthly father has died. I've found hope and healing in my Heavenly Father. I'm praying "thy will be done, Lord," saying "Amen," and then opening my eyes and running off in a million frantic directions without Him. Day after day after day.

My motives were "good" according to what the world calls "good"; but now I know they were seriously flawed. (See? "jacked-up" is just better than "flawed" Oops, back to the story) I was determined to show God that He'd done a good job in teaching me some cool stuff; but He should be proud of me (like my understanding of what I wanted from my earthly father) as I break away and live a "good life" without Him.

You know what? When I'm listening to the enemy's lies, IT TRULY IS ALL ABOUT ME!! And who does God think He is, anyway, not blessing my plans and my success??? Can't He just be proud of me and then step back and watch?

Big Problem Discovered: As a teenager, breaking away from the earthly father was all I thought about. He would no longer control me. And my success, despite his control, would ultimately make him proud. It became my life's desire. And I also decided it would be how I measured success as an adult.

Did I find this success? Yes! Did I find joy? No. Ultimately, this life formula for success brought me confusion, loneliness and abandonment.

Then, God reached me. Fascinating: that I found Him everywhere I looked for Him, once I started looking.

But, after meeting Him, I unsuccessfully tried to apply my life's jacked-up "measure of success" to my relationship with Him. After fully discovering Him (in my early 30's) I thought I would get to know Him and then impress Him by how well I could apply His teaching away from Him.

Using my flawed belief system: I saw God as this Wisdom-Giver (which He Is) that I could run to when things weren't going well out there in INDEPENDENCE land. He would supply the Wisdom. I would thank Him. And then I would run off again to impress Him with my ability to apply His Wisdom well.

After reading Charles Stanley's devotional this morning, I see I'm in good company...all the way back to the beginning...Adam and Eve wanted to have what God had to give but believed the enemy's lie of INDEPENDENCE that they deserved all God's best AND self-centeredness.

So, you're telling me that the very thing I held in highest regard and valued the most: INDEPENDENCE is a lie!! Wow! That's harsh! But it sure explains a LOT of failure in my life where I was sure there should have been success.

So, now in my 40's, I'm trying to unlearn INDEPENDENCE as my highest value. And God has been gracious to show me that INTERDEPENDENCE is not where it's at either (as my college courses taught). That's another blog entirely about how depending on other humans for what you REALLY need doesn't work and just wears everyone out.

I'm living every day to decide each morning to throw away those broken values and beliefs and become hopefully, utterly and unashamedly DEPENDENT completely on our Father. And I'm experiencing the Truth that this Ultimate Father loves unendlingly, provides fully, comforts softly and restores completely.

So, now it's your turn. What are your highest values? And how are those values being played out in your life's priorities? Ask God today to reveal what's hidden (jacked-up) in the way you view Him. He WILL answer this prayer! (You might want to ask him at the same time for the courage to actually look at what's hidden, while you're at it. It might not be pretty.) And, just to reassure you, he probably won't answer your prayer in a booming voice from the sky. He'll answer it in circumstances and people around you. Be ready! Be watching!!

And join me in making each day a day where we choose NOT to believe lies so easily believed before and that we would allow God to change us that fewer and fewer lies would be retold.

So, I guess I'm no longer hoping that when I arrive in God's Perfect Presence, He'll say, "Well done, you successfully independent ladder-climber! I've been bragging about you to all the disciples. Were your ears burning?"

Instead, I want what the Bible promises. I want Him to say, as He said in Matthew 25, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share [MY] happiness!!"

**PS If you want to check out a Truth-telling Bible-believing Grace-dispensing church where the pastor actually uses the term "jacked up" to describe situations with flaws, join Derek and I as we attend New Harvest Church in Clovis, CA on Minnewawa between Herndon and Alluvial.

Building Lego Masterpieces

It occurred to me this morning that I shared Bryson's favorite thing: eating!! And more specifically, eating at Hometown Buffet, without sharing Blake's favorite thing.

So, to be fair and even, I must talk today about Legos.

Blake's newest excitement is Lego Factory. Blake wants to be a Lego designer when he grows up. So, it's awesome that Lego.com offers a download-able program called Lego Factory where kids can choose from a multitude of virtual Lego pieces to build...well...just about anything their mind can imagine. When they're done building their Lego model on screen, they can then design the packaging and purchase the thing!!

Here's a photo of Blake on the day when one of his Lego Factory sets arrived.

This got me thinking about Legos. They're so cool! You can take a pile of pieces and make whatever your mind can imagine.

Blake was showing me a 3,803 piece Lego set that provides everything needed to construct the Star Wars Death Star. He couldn't believe they actually made sets that large. He was beside himself with excitement. The set costs $399.99. I told him he better save his allowance.

But, thinking more about Legos caused me to have another of those "Aha!" moments with God.

Imagine with me 3 sets of people sitting in 3 groups in 3 different rooms. I move from room to room and hand each group of people their own separate, but identical, pile of 3,803 pieces.

But, to GROUP ONE, I give the finished-product picture of the Death Star along with the step-by-step instructions.

To GROUP TWO, I give only the picture of the finished product: The photo of the completed Lego Death Star.

To GROUP THREE, I give nothing except the pile of 3,803 pieces. And...no...the groups cannot see each other.

I return after 2 hours and visit each room. And what do I find?

It's pretty predictable, actually. GROUP ONE, with the photograph and step-by-step instructions, will have completed their Death Star or they'll be pretty close to completing it.

GROUP TWO, with the photograph and no instructions, will be struggling to complete random parts of the Death Star. And...they'll likely be more grouchy than the first group.

And GROUP THREE will have made something random and "cool"; but they'll also have a whole pile of leftover pieces!! And, they'll wonder what took me so long to return!

And so it is with life...taking us out of the lecture and into the lab...

I think about how I've related to the "photograph and step-by-step instructions" (aka Jesus and The Bible) over the years.

Sometimes, I've been like GROUP ONE. I see the picture of Jesus and I open the Bible and I follow the step-by-step instructions and my life reflects Him. It isn't an easy life; but the pieces keep falling into place and I have peace in knowing that I'm moving in the right direction.

Other times, however, I'm more like GROUP TWO. I choose to try to imitate the picture without instructions. These are times that I feel the greatest amount of tension in my life, interestingly enough. I want the picture! The goal is before me! But, instead of searching for and opening the instructions, I think I'm smart enough to get there on my own. I fail repeatedly and miserably; and I feel and appear hideous.

I've also lived GROUP THREE. In my high school and college years, I didn't know about the picture and I SURELY didn't open any instructions. I just wandered around bumping into people and situations. If I found a pile of "metaphorical Legos", I grabbed some pieces and threw them together until I made something that my friends would say was "cool". Never mind that there were LOADS of left-over pieces just lying there waiting to be made into something WAY better. I didn't know about better. I thought my life was "as good as it gets". I didn't care. And I didn't look.

Like building Lego sets, I think I'm seeing that there are 3 distinct ways we can respond to The Word.

Response #1 We can ignore its existence and try to please our environment without ever knowing or believing there's a better way. This approach makes me sad because I know that God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11 to each of us individually is true when He says, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Response #2 We can acknowledge its existence; but believe that we don't really need it. We are strong enough to get there on our own, we think. I've lived this existence more than the others and I can testify that it's the most painful. You "just know" there's a better way; but you're not willing to sacrifice to get there. Here's what Jesus Himself taught (taken from The Message) "This story is about some of those people. The seed is the Word of God. The seeds on the road are those who hear the Word, but no sooner do they hear it than the Devil snatches it from them so they won't believe and be saved. The seeds in the gravel are those who hear with enthusiasm, but the enthusiasm doesn't go very deep. It's only another fad, and the moment there's trouble it's gone. And the seed that fell in the weeds—well, these are the ones who hear, but then the seed is crowded out and nothing comes of it as they go about their lives worrying about tomorrow, making money, and having fun." Luke 8:11-14

Response #3 We acknowledge that the Word contains both the Accurate Picture and the step-by-step instructions AND we acknowledge that just can't build anything worthwhile without Him and His Word. Guess what?? There's more to the story in Luke!! Here's how Jesus finishes the story in Luke 8:15 "But the seed in the good earth—these are the good-hearts who seize the Word and hold on no matter what, sticking with it until there's a harvest."

Want to build a super-cool Lego Death Star?

John 1:14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Life Imitating Word

Did you see the new quote in the title bar...over there on the left? I love it!! It's the new honorary sub-title of this blog: "Taking us out of the lecture and into the lab".

I think this quote speaks to me so completely (and I can't wait to read the book Captivating) because it describes EXACTLY how God teaches me the things I must know in my life.

And yes, it's worth saying right at the beginning today, that God is SO BIG he works differently in each of us based upon how He's created us. The reason I simply must stop to say this is: I don't want anyone out there to say, "I need to do things the way Linda does them." On the contrary!! I share what works in me in a hope that you might look inside you and see what works just for you.

Back to this topic, here's a tidbit that might shock you: I find reading the Bible only marginally interesting. Pretty "Ho hum" actually.

Yes, you read that right.

What I've discovered to be exciting beyond measure, however, is studying the Bible. Reading just one verse and then asking God to show me what's going on and how it relates specifically to my life.

Sometimes, when I ask this, I'll feel led to do more research on the words and their original Greek and Hebrew meaning. I know!! I'm a word geek!!! It's hopeless! I just get downright excited about the wisdom and meaning that are power-packed into those words.

But other times, God will show me something in my surroundings. And that picture, or moment "hits me like a 2 x 4" to teach me more about His meaning and desire for my life. And isn't that what we're all looking for anyway??

Case in point: HomeTown Buffet.

No, I'm not doing an advertisement for HomeTown Buffet; but I must say, this place is my son, Bryson's favorite restaurant. This kid never stops eating! I'm serious! I can't get the older ones to eat...and I can't get my 7-year-old to stop! So, there you go, HomeTown Buffet is his favorite.

During a recent time in my life, I was asking God for more information about the fruit of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 5: 22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Specifically, I remember asking why this fruit existed in such small and inconsistent amounts in my life.

I should share that, during this same time in my life, I was separately battling my hypoglycemia diet. I was once-again angry that the things I craved so intensely were the things that were making me SO tired, irritable and sick. Every book and every doctor said the same thing: more protein and complex carbs; fewer sugars and simple carbs.

And then came the "2 x 4 over the head". BAM!

I saw a very clear picture of someone holding a tray with a large plate on it, moving through the lines of a buffet.

Have you ever given any thought to the consistent design of any buffet line? Think about the stuff that's offered first and quickly: melon slices, gelatin in several colors, cottage cheese, potato salad, macaroni salad...

Let's explore the possibility that maybe life is like "pushing your tray" through a giant decades-long buffet line.

The picture I saw showed someone who, upon arriving at the buffet, filled their plate to overflowing with the high-carb, sugary, empty calorie foods that are offered at the beginning.

After sitting down and gorging themselves on what they had taken, there really wasn't any room for main dishes. So, they slapped a piece of fried chicken on the plate to justify dessert and then made a bee-line to the soft-serve ice cream and fudge sauce!

Uh, oh...[Camera angle change]...and...BAM! (there's that pesky 2 x 4 again) The person holding the tray is me!!

Derek often coaches me about the size of my "plate" and that I need to careful about what I put on it. When I say to him, "I want to start doing X..." He says, "Okay, what things will you remove from your plate so that you can do X?"

Hmmm....recurring metaphors about plates....Leaders trying to teach me despite my stubborn resistance....

And then God hit a home run with this word picture! His home run (His message to me in my life at this time) was this: If you want your life to overflow the fruit of the Spirit, you must say, "No thank you!" to those multi-colored gelatin, macaroni-salad kinds of temptations that come first and fast in the buffet line of your life. You must, instead, pass by what feels good in the short term, in order to have My best for your life.

Practical Example: Someone shares juicy gossip (green gelatin)? Say, "No, thank you!" and keep "pushing your tray" past it to the place where there's love and peace (broiled chicken and steamed asparagus).

Another example: Let's say someone hurts your feelings or even humiliates you? Will you put a heaping portion of angry rage (macaroni salad) on your tray...leaving no room on "your plate" for what will fill you most completely? No way!! Instead, you'll say, "No, thank you!" and keep "pushing your tray" to the place where the Spirit offers gentleness and self-control (grilled fish and green beans).

Here's another important tidbit: We must push our trays past the temptation, but NEVER past the precious person. It's the temptation we say, "No, thank you" to; NOT the person.

Using my mind and strength, saying, "No, thank you" to the potato chips and soda...and, "Yes, please" to the strawberries and tea, has brought the blessings of energy, ability to persevere and positive outlook.

In my heart and soul, saying, "No, thank you" to anger, jealous comparisons, perfectionism and gossip...and saying, "Yes, please" to love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, has brought...hmmm....would you look at that?! It's actually brought increased amounts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control to my life.



"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Mark 12:30

Making a BIG Decision

I admit that I'm sharing this today because, on many occasions in the past, I hoped that someone else would share with me how THEY make BIG decisions. Honestly, I spend more time worrying than wondering. Worry is a poor choice. Wondering is SO much more exciting.

I received wisdom about wondering versus worrying from one of my favorite song artists Ginny Owens. On track number 11 on the 'A Night in Rocketown' album, Ginny tells a story. She cites this verse which is now a favorite of mine and memorized: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers [and sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. [and] Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

After she shares this verse from memory with the live audience, she says that God told her through this verse how to have peace. She says that God specifically told her, "you can keep searching and you can just leave it in my hands; you can wonder; but you don't have to worry."

So, I'm a peace-filled expert when it comes to decision making now, right? No way!!

Let me walk you through how I made a recent BIG decision:

THE CONCERN

I had accepted a position at New Harvest Church as their Children's Ministry Program Coordinator. The job description was LOADED with things that God has gifted me with, and I LOVE the staff there!! I especially jump for joy about NHC focus on prayer!! Additionally, when I did the math, I learned that the 14 hour-per-week job would pay exactly $9 per month more than Quicken said we needed to cover our realistic budget. But with gas prices rising and everything getting more and more expensive, this $9 cushion left me feeling a little insecure. And I worried about those days that I would be scheduled to work and the kids would be out of school. Feeling relatively confident that God would cover these issues, I happily accepted the job when it was offered.

I was celebrating at a one-on-one lunch with my sweet pumpkin Bryson when [ring, ring] the phone rang. It was Copper Hills elementary and they wanted to know if I would like to come and work as a teachers' aide in their special education department. The position would be 4 hours per day (20 hours per week) and I would NEVER have to leave my kids at home alone because my work days would always match theirs.

STEP ONE: I called my very best friend and leader of our home, Derek. The panic in my voice was showing. He very predictably said, "Well, you made a promise to New Harvest when you said, 'Yes' and you need to keep that promise." I said, "But what if I made the wrong decision?" He replied that it didn't matter because a promise is a promise. Let me just say that this is one of the BIG reasons why I married Derek. I absolutely ADORE that he teaches us all about "making and keeping promises". But...

THE CHAOS

STEP TWO: I chose to throw myself into full-blown panic instead. I cried and said to God, "What do you want me to do?" It's important to note here that I heard nothing in return. In retrospect, I can see that God was probably saying, "You already heard Me when I spoke through your husband." But, instead of finding peace, I bought a ticket and went on a ride on the "what if" train. What if I was supposed to wait for the Copper Hills job??

STEP THREE: I called my friend Lisa and hysterically cried to her. I'm not over-exaggerating about the hysterics. She was so worried that she offered to stop what she was doing, drive over right then and there, and hug me. But a hug was NOT going to solve this problem. Lisa told me, "Of course, you need to pray about this."

STEP FOUR: I tried to go back to my normal life and avoid making the decision all together. This was, by far, the worst choice. I couldn't concentrate on anything.

STEP FIVE: I finally gave up and called our dear friends and accountability partners, Greg & Tracy. They were on vacation in Carmel. I didn't want to bother them; but this was becoming an emergency. Copper Hills wanted an answer that afternoon. I got the cell phone voice mail. Bummer! I left a semi-frantic message. Tracy called back. Collected information and said that she would "run this by Greg" and they would call back.

STEP SIX: I asked anyone and everyone their opinion. I'm sure if the UPS man would've stopped by, I would've asked him. It was chaotic. Each gave me a different answer. And none could provide the peaceful feeling I desired. I wanted to know THE answer.

STEP SEVEN: I prayed. I prayed that God would use His Spirit and His people to provide me with wisdom so that I could KNOW the right direction. Truthfully, this was the point where the frantic feeling began to leak out like air from a day-old balloon.

STEP EIGHT: Derek arrived home and we talked more about each option. He listened. He asked questions and he continued to provide a rock-solid determination that "a promise is a promise."

STEP NINE: Greg and Tracy called on speakerphone. After prayer and consideration Greg provided the Parable of the Talents from Matthew 25. After being sure that I was familiar with the story, Greg & Tracy asked, "So, which job is the best investment of your talents?" The idea, Greg said, was to invest the "talents" that God had given me in a way that would cause The Master to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" Hearing this, I became 90% certain that God had already given me the talents*** and had already provided the place where He wanted me to invest them and had already provided a Godly husband to reassure me in all of this.

THE CONFIRMATION

STEP TEN: I hoped in my heart for further confirmation. Yes, I am actually this flawed!! I had all this and still, I wanted more confidence. Long story short: we then took Blake to register him for junior high. At one point in the process, the principal of Clovis North introduces himself to Blake and to Derek and me. Derek asks the principal where he might have seen him before. And the principal replies, "Well, I attend New Harvest church. Have I seen you there?" Derek and I just smile at one another. Small world? No way!! Big GOD!! We leave the building and call Greg & Tracy to share the non-coincidence.

STEP ELEVEN: Is this nuts? 11 steps? You bet!! At this point, I return home and curl up on the couch with a piece of paper and a pencil. I learned a tool in my professional life called a decision-making matrix. Even though the decision is now clear, I still create the matrix because I'm a visual learner and I want to clearly see and feel nothing but confidence. I'm SO grateful for a Father with patience. When I was finished, these were the results:

Does this tool intrigue you? Here's how it works: First, you write down every factor that has anything to do with your decision. These are the phrases I wrote in the first column above. Next, you assign a [L]ikelihood number (0-9) based on, "How likely is it that this good thing will happen if I make this choice?" Next, you assign an importance [V]alue (0-9) of how important this value is in your life. To get the final [S]core, multiply the [L]ikelihood by the [V]alue to arrive at a [S]core for each factor. Do this for each option in your decision. Finally, add the scores for each option and you'll see which option is best. In my case, the position at New Harvest Church scored 961 and the position at Copper Hills scored 724. Pretty clear!!

Now, let me be REALLY honest here. Once again, I see myself as the little wind-up toy running around bouncing off things in an effort to gain control (see my last story).

God had ALREADY provided the talents, direction and confirmation. For me, steps 2-11 were, basically, a waste of time, emotions and energy. But, I share them for two reasons: 1) I know I'm not alone in my poor approach to BIG decisions and 2) This experience has further cemented my belief and faith in God as THE perfect provider, protector and loving Father.


***Want to know your "talents"? Here's a website with a free test:
http://www.spiritualgiftstest.com/

Redeem?

I'm seeing a theme among the things that I care enough to share about. I think the thing I care most about (both because of my personal history and my current observations) is true freedom and how the world is shaping a lie about what makes us free. And I care that people know that they can CHOOSE freedom. But it's an everyday choice. Every morning, we must choose it.

On a rare, good and wonderful day, free of worldly gunk, I can embrace my life as the life of an adopted princess. While growing up, and into my adult life, I made some really horrible choices. Then, this King comes and redeems me.

I seem to have a built-in sensitivity to hearing people use words that are not easily understood by all. Maybe it's my background in journalism? Redeem is one of those words that I've sung in songs; but for a while didn't understand at all.

So, what's redeeming all about? Why is it important? Why do we sing about it?

Dictionary.com shares the definition I've heard most everywhere. And it's a definition associated with coupons: to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, coupons, etc.) for money or goods. Sounds like a trade, and it is. At Dictionary.com that's definition number 4. But the definition I needed to gain a complete understanding was definition number 8: to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

Okay! Now we're getting somewhere. Think about it: I've made horrible choices that land me in the worst kind of slavery. At best, I become a slave to lies and manipulation and perfection-chasing and I'm exhausted! I've messed up my life and many other lives and I'm standing on this metaphorical slave-for-sale platform hoping deep inside that a prince will ride in on a white horse*** and find me worthy of his attention; but I know, as I look back on my choices, that I deserve to be a lowly slave.

So, the best I can do is wonder who or what will be my next master.

What happens, instead, I can hardly believe. A KING walks in and pays a rich ransom to the slave-trader and now I belong to a KING! AND, when I ask the KING what I can do (in this new role as one of his lowly slaves) he tells me that, instead, he's adopting me as his daughter and all he wants is for me to behave as his daughter. WOWEEEEE!! BLISS!!

Except...WHAT?...I have NO CLUE how to behave as the daughter of a KING!! And in fitting style, I don't relax and just enjoy it. No!! I run around trying to figure it all out...trying to find out, without asking, what the KING might like from me. I wonder what will impress him? I worry that I will embarass him. And like a little wind-up toy running around and bouncing off walls, I find myself doing everything hopelessly lame...feeling dumb. And every day, I hear temptation calling to me from beyond the KING'S walls...telling me a lie: that life is easier outside of the KINGDOM and surely I'll have fun and be fully accepted and worry free out there.

Yes, I even sneak away a few times. But, being undeservedly blessed with new glasses from the KING, I see the lie right away.

Easy is NOT what's most rewarding. That's the lie. What the world calls "easy" brings a quick fire-cracker style glimmer of fun, but no joy. What's the difference between fun and joy? Here's my word-picture: Fun is like sitting in front of a fan when it's 100 degrees outside. Ahhh...it feels really good...better than standing in the hot sun for sure...but walk away from the fan and you begin to sweat and you get...well, if you're me, you get pretty crabby! So, you find yourself enslaved to the feel-good fan. Get it?

Joy, on the other hand, is like moving yourself to the beach where it's cool all the time no matter where you go and you're free to walk on the beach and dip your toes in the water and invite friends to play...joy! Wonderful, eternal, cool and soul-soothing surroundings.

Gratefully, my KING (and he's your KING, too) is so patient. He watches my wind-up toy antics and just lovingly waits for me to come back and relax and be loved, free, protected, cared-for, doted-on. You get it now, don't you!!

Your adoption papers are already inked!!



**If you've always wondered why all the great storytellers use a picture of a hero riding in on a white horse to save the day, please know that it's not derived from some Western movie with John Wayne, check out Rev 19:11 and enjoy THAT picture of your future!!

Living without Lists

Recently, while sharing my heart and some yummy coffee*** with my dear friend Tracy Swan at Starbucks, I shared that I was feeling overwhelmed at the speed at which Summer was coming to a close.

I shared with her that there would NEVER be enough time to complete all the super cool things on my Summer Projects list.

Yes, I have a Summer Projects list filed in Outlook, categorized by both Linda and Summer...coded with a due date of August 1. Why August 1, when school doesn't start until August 25? Well, to give me some breathing room, silly!!

Now THAT'S FUNNY!!! Breathing room?? Truth is, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to breathing room. I seem to have 2 speeds: 110 mph in a 25 mph zone... or... sound asleep.

So dear, cute, right-to-the-point-and-don't-you-love-that-about-her Tracy challenges me to live without lists.

WHAT?? NO LISTS?? But how would stuff get done?

"The right things will get done," Tracy said. "The things that don't get done were unimportant."

Hmmm....

I sat there smiling and nodding and thinking, "Good Tracy. You just keep thinking that things will get done without lists and I'll keep looking for monkeys to fly..."

We finished our coffees, talked about LOADS of other things, shared our gratitude for each other (she's just plain awesome) and left.

But then, as with most Godly Wisdom, the perculating and marinating began. Living without lists. I thought about times when I felt too busy to even sit down and make a list...and things did get done. The important things did get done.

But not all lists are bad, are they?

So, I marinated some more about lists. I discovered there are good lists. They seem to fall into the checklist category. For example, I'll bet Tracy was pretty happy the pilot of her last airline flight followed a checklist! She wasn't asking him to live without lists. No way!!

I thought of our family packing list: the one that reminds me to pack the oil-free spray-on sunscreen when we go to Shaver Lake so my handsome, smile-will-light-up-the-room hubby isn't peeling like a lizard for weeks. Ew!

Then, I thought about grocery lists. I can honestly say that a grocery list organized by the Food4Less store layout and cross-referenced to weekly meal planning is a downright beautiful thing. It saves both time and money and that makes me feel good, not overwhelmed!

Aha! So maybe that's what Tracy's suggesting!!! I walk away from lists that contain optional nice-to-have tasks and projects that sound wonderful but, ultimately, leave me feeling overwhelmed. It appears that once these nice-to-haves are turned into a line-item on a list, they become a burden to my heart.

Today, I must complete paperwork for a brand new family that has volunteered to host a girl from Sweden. I need to drive to their home and complete the home interview. I don't need to put this on a list. I simply know it must be done today.

If I get some "free" time this afternoon, however, I would like to complete a page or two in my faithbook album. I have a personal goal to have that album up-to-date in 2008. This isn't on a list either. I just know I have this goal.

I also know I need to get a part-time hourly job; but I didn't visit Outlook and create a "Get a part-time hourly job" listing. It's just an important, need-to-be-working-on-it thing.

Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern!! The 2x4 is making it's gentle connection with my head. And I love what my life feels like when I listen to Godly Wisdom. So, let's give it a try!!




***iced sugarfree cinnamon dolce breve latte, if you must know, what's yours?? No, I'm serious! Hit the comments button down below and tell me yours!!

The Evil of Beds that are Made Every Morning

Catchy title? I couldn't resist!!

After being encouraged (arm-twisting included) to start blogging; I'm realizing this is more of an art than a science. I'm feeling like a stranger in a strange land, for sure!!

So, after some eye-rolls and comments regarding the last post, I absolutely MUST qualify my comments.

Here it is: I do NOT think there's anything wrong with making the beds. As a matter of fact, I absolutely love it when the beds are made. Even better when there're clean sheets waiting underneath!!

The reason I used that example, however, is I've found that EVERYWHERE in life (it seems) are things we love for earthly reasons that take our attentions away from what God loves and, therefore, what He wants us to love.

What I know is this: Without Christ, I'm hideous.

And, when I found myself "barking" at my family in an attempt to get the house looking like the magazines...I realized an important truth about myself: Sometimes, in my hideousness, I momentarily forget about the preciousness of God's greatest love: His people. And in my impossible quest to be found perfect (or clever, or cute, or organized, or whatever) in the eyes of those who I admire, I miss the most important truth:

God created me to love. And I'm 100% sure that he created you to love, too. I know this because His word says so. Check out 1John 3:23.

So, when I get caught-up chasing something that the world says is SUPER-FANTASTIC and, in order to attain it, I try to steam-roller over people (especially my precious family), I hear the gentle whisper asking me to re-evaluate.

I share this here because God has given me a heart that hurts for those who continue to fish for that SUPER-FANTASTIC whopper of a lie (whatever the world has convinced them to admire) because I watch as they fish and fish...but the hook always surfaces empty and the cry of their heart is that their time feels wasted and lost.

If I have to choose between a perfect-looking house and a joyful-relaxed ease with the people God has placed around me...until I can manage to have both, I'll choose joy.

Perfection-Chasing vs Freedom

Today I return back to "normal" life after being away for BLISS with my family. We enjoyed 2 days at the Shaver cabin and 2 days at Asilomar and Pacific Grove. The highlight of our time together was kayaking off Lover's Point in Pacific Grove and viewing the Monterey Bay Aquarium from the ocean while sea lions and otters played around us.

Consequently, this morning, I found myself thinking about depression and times that I feel extremely anxious. Those of you that know me well have been with me when I'll draw a deep breath in and blow it out fast to fight off an anxious thought. I simply don't know what I would do without Jesus in my life, especially in these moments. I believe this is the way that God has shown me to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2Cor10:5

Lately, I've had clarity enough to really examine what's happening in my mind when these anxious thoughts hit. I'm seeing that, without exception, these moments are brought on by a freight train collission between what the world says I "should" be doing and what I've learned by becoming a disciple of Jesus. A bumbling learner.

Here's a recent freight train moment: We volunteered to have the 4th of July party at our home. This involved having lifelong family friends of my in-loves, my husband's best friend from childhood (travelled all the way from Orange County) and his family. Once again, the children under the age of 12 nearly outnumbered the adults and there were 38 guests in all. We readied the pool, the patio, the family room, the guest bath...for the COMFORT and ENJOYMENT of our guests.

At one point during the party, my mother-in-love's friend asked for a tour. I didn't realize that she'd never been to our home. I began the tour showing her the exchange student guest room (newly redecorated...thanks Tracy!) and took her to the guest bath and Brooke's room. Brooke had picked everything off her floor and I was thinking that her room was looking pretty nice; however, the friend was clearly shocked that the bed was not made and commented out loud about it. Her daughter (also on the tour) said something like: "Mom, she's a teenager, she probably just got out of the bed." Everyone laughed...except me. Oh, no. I knew she had 3 more bedrooms to see upstairs. And I knew each bedroom had the doors pulled closed and NONE had neatly made beds. Ashamed, I actually walked away and let my mother-in-love finish giving the tour to her friend.

I was HORRIFIED and suddenly propelled back to my perfection chasing days where...in order to prepare for an event of this magnitude...I would've screamed and yelled at my family all morning, barking orders and even crying that everything was not perfect. I would've finished my nervous breakdown just as the doorbell rang. At that point I would've thrown on my fake smile for the first to arrive. My precious family (the ones that I cherish the most) would've sat there battle-scarred for the first hour or so wondering what kind of bi-polar behavior they were witnessing; but no one would've ever dared to talk about it. God showed me years ago that this wasn't HIS way.

But now, in this moment, I was dealing with the fact that I hadn't forced everyone to make their beds that day and I hadn't bothered to make mine either. Anyway, I didn't make eye contact with the friend the rest of the day and evening. It was hard to think of much else except to see myself as some kind of failure. And I continued to feel sad about the thought that my mother-in-love probably was held to explain why her son's daughter doesn't keep the house nice.

This is the best news: But then I go to The Word and I SNAP OUT OF IT!! I "blow out" those standards imposed by well-meaning, loving, and yes, even Christian friends and live according to what God has told ME he wants for my life. Two verses immediately come to mind as God scoops me up into his loving hands and holds me. Matthew 11:29-30 says, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The other verse is a treasure to my life. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

God has asked me (and you, let's be honest) to chase HIM, not the world's definition of perfect. He's asked me to be a loving wife and a loving mother, teaching and modeling HIM.

Somewhere along the line, God had shown ME that I couldn't have both. I couldn't have a home direct from the pages of "Country Living" magazine AND be gentle, humble in heart, rested, un-burdened and FREE of the world's slavery. Maybe someday, when there are no longer 3 and sometimes 4 kids running around our home I will go back to keeping everything perfectly tidy; but honestly, I don't want to be a woman that says (after the kids are gone), "I wish I would've spent more time playing Wii with my kids".

I'm not making the beds today, either. I will concentrate on the NEEDS. The suitcases will be unpacked. The clothes will be washed and folded. The dishes will be cleaned and ready for the next meal. I just finished walking for 30 minutes and doing weight resistence exercises for 20. My quiet time has produced this fruit and now a shower is well overdue. I'm in search of a part-time job where I can work hard while the boys are in school. I'm praying for a position that might open at Fresno State. (Pray with me for that, okay?) While the clothes are washing this morning, I will do my CM bookkeeping and make calls searching for families for exchange students. This afternoon, I will complete 2 more pages in my Faithbook. After that, I'll prepare the meal (fish tacos if you must know). I'll do these chosen NEEDS to serve God and the family he's given me.

Some will tell me, "I don't know how you do it all." And, instead of immediately thinking of everything I'm NOT doing and finding panic and anxiousness...I will "blow out" and think instead: "I can do ALL (necessary) things through Christ who strengthens me" and FREES me of the world's ball-and-chain of perfection-chasing to live a life of HIS easy yoke and light burden.

Right as a Verb?

Welcome to my new blog! I clearly felt led to create it this morning during my quiet time. Felt confirmed in doing it at small group this evening. Let's see what happens!!

Right as a Verb

In my "black and white" life, I've always thought of right being the opposite of wrong. There's wrong and there's right. Right?

This morning, I awoke determined to find the verse, "Let's enter His gates with thanksgiving". I found it (thank you Biblegateway.com) in Psalm 100. After reading it, and writing it as a first-person prayer in my journal, my mind focused on another verse. In a traditional celebration of communion I enjoy, the words are said,

"It is right to give our thanks and praise"

But then I had a moment of clarity where I felt the Lord speaking SO clearly to me and challenging me (as He always does) to think differently about His intentions.

When attending (not enjoying) communion in my twenties, I heard this phrase and thought, "Yes, it's the correct thing to do to be thankful and praise filled."

But this morning, I felt challenged to think of 'right' as verb, instead of an adjective.

Instead of RIGHT adjective; in accordance with what is good, proper, or just: right conduct.

I was to think of RIGHT verb; to put in proper order, condition, or relationship: to right a crookedly hung picture.

Taken directly from my quiet time journal: For me, suddenly, this morning "right" does not mean doing the proper thing--it means the verb "to right" like taking something that's fallen down and righting it. Suddenly I see a picture of a piece of art hanging crooked on the wall and a Sure and Gentle Hand carefully adjusting it until it sits straight again.

So, when I REthink "It is right to give our thanks and praise" I don't hear a bit of condemnation. Instead I hear: "When we give thanks and praise we feel the Master's hand gently adjusting us until our paths are straight and our relationships are in proper order with Him."